Saturday, March 28, 2009

Mr. Talk Answers Your Questions

We have no life here at AT, so if you happen to be a parent of a child I teach, feel free to email me at any time, day or night, and expect an immediate response. Because many of the emails I receive on the account so generously given me by the DOE are similar, I thought it might save time if I answered some of the more common ones here.


Dear Mr. Talk,

I noticed that my child got a U for conduct. Perhaps you are unaware that Johnny received a Nobel Prize for Good Behavior at his elementary school, so I am quite concerned. Is he making a poor transition to his new school? Is he falling in with bad companions? Is that ADHD he used to have coming back? Can you change his seat to that he can once again scale the mountain of good behaviortude?

Dear Parent, I'm glad you wrote so that I can set your mind at ease. Johnny is surrounded by good students, as placing him anywhere else would be career suicide for me. You needn't worry about ADHD or adolescence, as the issue is much simpler than that. You see, Johnny is just a pain in the ass.


Deer Mistah,

cn u tel me y danny gots a F on he's esSAy cus i think itz unfair i prsonally helped him sharpens hiz crayolaz and work on he's grammars.

Dear Danny,

Please get off your mother's email account.


Dear Mr. Talk,

As a parent of a child in your honors class, I feel it is my duty to gloat about it by informing you that Esmeralda actually earned a 101 on her report card rather than the 99 you gave her. I'm sure this is merely a mathematical error that Esmeralda could have helped you correct as she also earned 100 in math.

Dear Parent,

Unfortunately, the computer will only accept two digit report card grades. Those short sighted programmers never anticipated that any child would reach the heights of perfection that your daughter has. If it makes you feel better, I will donate the extra point to a deserving child in Appalachia.


Dear Mr. Talk,

I'm concerned by Matilda's recent report card grade of -12. I feel that I was uniformed about Matilda's poor performance despite the fact that I email you daily and you always respond promptly . Is there some way you can give me even more input into my child's school career? Can you perhaps email me hourly updates, except at 11 o'clock which is when I watch the Springer show?

Dear Parent,

Unfortunately, the space you would like to occupy up my ass has already been claimed by several other parents. However, I will inform you if I develop any new openings.


Joel Klein said...

Mr. Talk:

My son cut his 7th & 8th period Math & English classes most of the year. Can he still get credit for the classes and graduste?

Mr. Talk said...

Due to the DOE's new program, Credit Recovery for Dummies, you may now use a real dummy to occupy the seat your son would have occupied if he actually gave a damn. In this way, students in danger of dropping out no longer have to endure the tedious chore of taking up oxygen in a real classroom, and the graduation rate will skyrocket. Love dolls are not acceptable unless they conform with the dress code.

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