Ruben Brosbe, The Musical! Or, How To Succeed In The Teaching Business Without Really Trying

It was inevitable! After the roaring success of his low TDR scores made him the Toast of the Post, and his extended tenure made him a Daily News Notable, E4E Productions is proud to bring you (drum roll....)

Ruben Brosbe, the Musical!

We can't give away too many spoilers, but we can tell you some of the exciting plot line! A young man named Ruben Brosbe wants to become a great teacher, but realizes he has none of the skills it takes to be one. Discouraged and about to quit, a fellow unsuccessful teacher slips him a book called How To Succeed in the Teaching Business Without Really Trying, by Doug Lemov and Mel Brooks. The book tells him that there's no need to bother with all those teacher-ish things, like writing and executing good lessons. No, all he needs to succeed is to seize on the anti-teacher sentiments brewed up by the ed deform movement, and become their poster boy! This strategy actually allows our hero to succeed by failing. Ruben starts blogging, shilling for E4E and Gotham Schools, and stabbing his fellow teachers in the back at every turn. He becomes a folk hero to the local dailies. Nothing can stop him now!

Or can it? After a round of vicious self-flagellation lands Ruben a flattering cover story in the Times Magazine, his fellow teachers confront him in the men's room and threaten to expose the fact that one of Ruben's students actually learned something. Dismayed, Ruben tries to restore his lack of confidence in one of the musicals most rousing numbers, I Don't Believe In You. As he stares in the mirror, he croons to himself:

Now there you are,
Yes, there's that face!
That face no one can trust!
It might embarrass you to hear me say it,
But say it I must! Say it I must!
You've got the dull, brown eyes
of a failure without a full deck!
Yet there's that hipster beard
looking weirder than all holy heck!
I don't believe in you!
I don't believe in you!

With his self-doubt fully restored, Ruben goes on a bender of negative posting. He blogs his every mistake. He bemoans his every misstep. Still, it seems unsatisfying. He's about to tender his resignation but first he goes off to drown his sorrows. By chance, he tells his troubles to a group of young teachers standing at the bar. Upon hearing this story, the leader of this group, Evan Stone, pulls out a copy of How To Succeed in the Teaching Business Without Really Trying. Ruben realizes he has found soul-mates in his E4E friends and resolves to join them. This leads to the rousing finale, The Brotherhood of Scabs:

(Ruben):
Now you may join the Elks my friends,
And I may join the Shriners,
And other men may carry cards,
As members of the Diners.
Still others wear a golden key,
Or small Greek letter pin,
But we all need to wear Asshats,
before we can get in...into the...

Brotherhood of scabs,
The malevolent brotherhood of scabs,
Ignoble ties that bind our lips to Klein's behind,
A great big brotherhood of scabs!

(Chorus joins in, donning hipster beards and Asshats)

Your E4E membership is free!
Keep downing all the free drinks you can!
Oh we're so proud to be,
Failing so miserably!
In this great brotherhood of scabs!

(Curtain falls)

So far, the musical has gotten rave reviews:

"This play will run for years! And then I'll extend it another two years!"--Ruben's principal.

"If you see only one ed deform musical this year, see this one! I'll buy everyone drinks!" --Bill Gates

"I almost cried, but I have no human empathy! Or tear ducts!" --Michelle Rhee, Students First

"I don't know. I tried really hard, but in the end, I think I sucked in this role!"--Ruben

With this kind of success/failure, can "Ruben Brosbe On Ice" be far behind?

A Farewell to Asshats

Now that the mayor has shot his load, so to speak, and threatened to lay off 4,100 teachers for a total of 6,000 fewer positions, I think the UFT needs to act. Listen, I am the last person who would, under ordinary conditions, suggest that we negotiate with this slug of a mayor, but I fear the time has now arrived. We have no choice. We need to strike a deal that will protect both teachers and the strength of our union.

I hate to say this, but I think we must follow the model set forth for us by the negotiators at Asshats4Educators. (I know this is blasphemous. Forgive me.) Say what you will about A4E, they understand the negotiation process. They have doggedly insisted that layoffs are about teacher quality, and that we must get rid of sub-par teachers. Toward that end, they have offered the city what it wants: some easy targets to slate for elimination, such as rubber roomers, ATRs, or anyone rated U over the last 5 years. The UFT has, thus far, staunchly defended these groups, and rightly so. Teachers have routinely been brought up on false charges or had their schools closed through no fault of their own, so it makes sense to protect them. Yet we must give the city something--throw some red meat to the sharks, so to speak, so that the rest of us can escape, A4E style.

So, I'm offering a less than modest proposal: If the mayor insists on layoffs, let's not stand in the way. Let's offer them the Asshats.

That's right. There are 1600 Asshats infesting the city's schools, according to the Asshats themselves. If we offer them to the city along with the 2000 jobs lost through attrition, the total would be 3600--close enough to 600o to strike a deal.

Think about it. What would the city lose if we turned the Asshats into chum? Not much. The vast majority of Asshats are temporary employees who will flee the system as soon as the economy recovers or Bill Gates offers them a cushy job. Would the public schools be diminished if Evan Stone and Sydney Morris lost their jobs? They hardly work now!

Let's look at some of the other jewels in the Asshat crown. Ruben Brosbe, for example, stuttering mouthpiece for A4E, constantly celebrates his own incompetence in the NY Post and Gotham. His TDR scores were so dismal that he apparently fled to 3rd grade, where he would not receive a report.

If there's even one bad apple like Ruben in A4E, it's safe to assume that all Asshats should go, isn't it? I mean, they routinely assert that rubber roomers and ATRs should go because a few of them may be guilty. Why shouldn't that apply to Asshats, as well?

And it's not like there are just a few of them. Michael Loeb, for example, is another A4E stooge who seemingly can not write a coherent paragraph. Would the system miss him?

Of course, you could argue that by picking A4E for extermination, I am biased against newbies, but that is not so. Also sent packing would be senior Asshats like that boob who had her clock cleaned by Julie Cavanagh on NY1.


And as long as we're throwing people under the bus, I'd recommend firing anyone with a douchebag hipster beard.

So that's my proposal. What do you think?


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