Black and Blues

Here's a new song, "Cathie Black", sung to the tune of "Paint it Black" by the Rolling Stones.

I'm your new "chancellor" and they call me Cathie Black.

I'm not an educator, just a corporate hack.

I'm here to lay you off and take your rights away,

U rated? ATRs? You'd better start to pray!

I see a high school and I want to see it shuttered,

The PEP will side with me, they know where their bread's buttered.

I'll shut down schools while doing crosswords on my phone,

Or check out sex positions while you bitch and moan!

Class overcrowding seems to me a real no-brainer.

Just put a condom on your paramour's John Boehner.

I'll steal your perks, your rights, your pensions, and the like,
Then belt some champagne down with my friend Mayor Mike!

If you want changes then I think that you should know,

I'm little more than a blond Joel Klein 2.0.

You say you want to take your old school system back?

You have no "Sophie's Choice"; you're stuck with Cathie Black!

(Fade to chorus, with band singing "Booooo" while Cathie sings "Ohhhhh!)

The Great Black Out of 2011

I'm taking bets, starting now. How long before "Chancellor" Cathie Black is out on her behind? I'm betting on April 1, as this April Fool's Day prank of a "chancellor" surely can't last much longer than that.

Today, she once again had a "Let them eat cake" moment when asked her solution to school overcrowding. Her response? "Could we just have some birth control?"

Let's think for a moment what would happen if a parent came in to complain about overcrowding and you "joked" that they should have considered birth control. How long before you'd be hauled from your classroom and brought up on charges?

Of course, perhaps we're expecting too much of the "chancellor". How could she be expected to know not to insult parents and students, especially when she has no education experience at all? Given that her children went to a ritzy private school that costs as much per year as a new teacher's salary, and where the class sizes are smaller than the average softball team, Black can hardly be expected to empathize with the common folk like us who insist on having children despite not having trust funds for them.

This isn't the first time she's stuck her foot in her mouth, and if she does it one more time, her only supporter in NYC may be Rex Ryan. She may not even make it to Valentine's Day.

And as much as I hate to pick on her appearance, especially after we just got rid of the Nosferatu doppelganger Joel Klein, I really think the tabloids should stop printing pictures of Ms. Black that make her look as if she's just risen from a rip-snorting week-long bender and subsequent black out.

And speaking of Black outs, what's your take on how long she'll last?


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Teachers to Blame for Snowmageddon, says Bloomie

Seeking to quell the rumor, started by fellow billionaire Rupert Murdoch's New York Post, that the snow removal fiasco was the fault of a sanitation worker slowdown, Mayor Bloomberg today placed the blame for the snowy mess squarely at the feet of the teachers' union.

"As everyone knows, we never close the schools, no matter how much it snows," said the perpetually annoyed Bloomberg. "Had the schools been open, we would have moved heaven and earth, along with a lot of snow, to make sure that the roads were plowed. The UFT, of course, seeking to shortchange our schools, decided to go on winter break just as the storm hit, leaving sanitation workers little reason to clear the streets."

The mayor's comments come on the heels of Cathie Black's decision to open the schools in the midst of the snowstorm. Black betrayed her dismay that not a single teacher nor student showed up. "I mean, it's like, so frustrating, you know? If they worked for my magazines I could have had them flogged, or reamed them out in a meeting. But this union just gets my panties in a bunch. Oooo they make me so mad. Grrrr."

UFT president Michael Mulgrew responded angrily. "It's unbelievable that the city blames teachers for their fouls ups. Teachers are under no obligation to show up or shovel while on vacation. At least not until the new contract. Hey, did I say that out loud? I thought it was in my head!"

Meanwhile, after being cleared to become the chancellor in January, Cathie Black sought to quell rumors that she was the doppelganger of the Grinch. "It's utter nonsense," said Black, as she stood in the snow, tapping her pointy green shoe.

Schools Open Today, "Chancellor" Announces

In her first major decision as presumptive "chancellor", Cathie Black announced today that despite the blizzard that dumped more than a foot of snow on NYC, public schools would be open today.

When reminded that schools are closed until 1/3/11 for the holidays, Cathie Black snapped back, "New York City has a long history of keeping schools open despite blizzards. We're not going to let little things like the union contract and school calendars stand in the way of our children's education. It's all about the children. Well, not my children, of course, but you get the idea."

Contacted in his beach cabana in Bermuda for comment, Mayor Bloomberg slammed his coconut shell cocktail down on a table and fumed, "This is another example of teachers trying to do what's best for themselves rather than putting children first. I believe I have full legal authority to open the schools. Do I have mayoral control of the schools or not? If I can appoint a bimbo like Cathie as chancellor, I can open the schools when I want."

UFT president Michael Mulgrew voiced his displeasure with the unilateral decision. "I don't think it's right, but Ms. Black is the new chancellor and I have vowed to work with her despite her utter ignorance of the school system. Besides, the UFT has long fought for smaller class sizes, and I'm urging teachers to look at this as an opportunity to work one on one with kids. Literally."

In keeping with revised tenure rules, which call for new teachers to make "contributions to the school and community", untenured teachers will be called upon to dig out the cars of all the administrators in their respective schools in order to assure a smooth opening.

Asked whether she believes any students will actually show up, Cathie Black responded, "I certainly hope so. I'm looking at this blizzard as a teachable moment. Ooo...I love using education jargon! Anyway, you can bet the janitors at Hearst Publishing will be at work today or on the unemployment line tomorrow. Our students need to learn the harsh realities of the corporate world we are training them for."

To her credit, Ms. Black vowed not to repeat the mistake of her predecessor, Joel Klein, who bungled school bus routes so badly that many young children were stranded in the snow. "Rather than wait for buses that may never come, parents may call their child's school and request a piggy back ride to school for their children. Untenured teachers will be more than happy to oblige, unless they want to remain untenured, if you get my drift."

Michael Mulgrew initially expressed outrage at using new teachers as pack horses, but backed down when told that Ms. Black offered to increase next year's Teacher's Choice allocation by two dollars to a whopping $112 so that piggy backing teachers can buy an extra pair of wooly socks. "In these fiscal times, socks are nothing to sneeze at. This is a major win for the union!" Mulgrew announced.


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"Chancellor" Black and Blue

You might have read about the riot that occurred at Murry Bergtraum HS when a misguided principal decided to close the bathrooms in response to a fight. I'm not going to comment on the actions of the principal or the students. I would like to say that things like this are more common than the public realizes.

I've been teaching a while, and I've broken up my fair share of fights, much like my blogging pal Chaz. (Hint to newbies: Don't try this at home, or at work.) One time, a student shoved me into a chalkboard. Another time, I took a knife away from a student with nothing more than a stare. I don't expect kudos for these things; I'm simply stating that events like these are a fact of life in many public schools in NYC.

Michael Bloomberg and "Chancellor" Cathie Black would have it that teachers should be judged on Teacher Data Reports that allegedly take into account all kinds of factors. I don't know how they factor in working at a school in which the students riot, or carry knives, or beat each other, or curse out teachers, or kick them and cause miscarriages, but the city claims they can do it.

I'm more skeptical. Until you've worked in a dangerous school, you don't really know how difficult it is to teach in one. That's how I came up with the Bergtraum Solution as a way of settling, once and for all, whether those Teacher Data Reports should be released.

You see, Bergtraum is a high school for business careers. As such, handling the students there should be a piece of cake for someone as forceful as former business maven Cathie Black. So I propose that we ask Cathie to stand in the middle of the main floor of Bergtraum while the principal announces that they have decided to close the bathrooms permanently. She'll only have to stand there long enough for one change of classes to occur. She doesn't even have to teach anything. If she can do that, then we should stop opposing the release of the TDRs.

If, as I suspect, she runs out screaming as if her hair were on fire, or she's carried out on a stretcher, then she has to drop the TDR matter immediately and admit that there's more to teaching in NYC than any statistician could ever account for.

I suspect the "Chancellor" will find the Bergtraum Solution less than appealing. She doesn't even have the courage to face real reporters, much less the adolescents of the schools she'd like to shutter. I'm sure she'll stick to well managed elementary schools where she can comment on the cute "little people" there.

She'll never go a dangerous NYC school, lest she become the punchline to the joke, "What's Black, and white, and black and blue, and red all over?"