Saturday, May 21, 2011

The Four Asshats of the Educational Apocalypse

Is the world ending today? I can't say for sure. So far, my world has not been invaded by the four horsemen of the apocalypse, who represent conquest, famine, war, and death. In the original biblical tale, the horsemen ride on white, black, red, and pale horses.

Assuming we survive until tomorrow, teachers still have another apocalyptic vision staring them in the face: the Four Asshats of the Educational Apocalypse. Here's how I see them:

On the red horse, representing war against the teachers union, ride Evan Stone and Sydney Morris. While they are, technically, two people, in my vision they are a two-headed hydra determined to peck away at teachers' rights while securing cushy jobs for themselves.

On the white horse, representing the famine of intelligence, experience, and educational know-how, rides Ruben Brosbe, spreading his dishwater wit and penchant for self-flagellation.

On the black horse, representing the death of the public school system, rides Mayor4Life Bloomberg. Unlike traditional representations of death who bring about a swift end with a scythe, the billionaire reaper prefers to squeeze his victims of resources and slowly bleed them dry.

The rider of pale horse represents conquest. Biblical scholars disagree as to whether this rider represents good or evil, and so we are forced to place Michael Mulgrew in the saddle of this one. He may stand up for us and protect the rights we've won over the past fifty years, or he may roll over, Weingarten-style, in a culminating act that seals our fate.

I'm pretty certain that the world will see another day. If not, I will be pissed, because I just spent the morning stocking up on toilet paper and cat food at Costco. I am less certain that New York Public Schools will survive the attempted apocalypse being fomented by the Four Asshats.

All I can say to them is, FU and the horses you rode in on.


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