Friday, July 2, 2010

Summer Rants

First of all, happy summer to everyone!

Here are a few rants, as I'm just too lazy to write anything longer:

You know how Klein always says charter schools are better because they have such high application rates? Well, the truth is that there were about 50,000 applications to charters last year. Considering there are over a million students, that's a pretty low percentage. Compare that to the fact that there were 26,000 applicants for teaching jobs in NYC despite the fact that almost no one will be hired. This must mean we are the greatest teaching force in the world!!!

I suggest that we hold a lottery for these prospective teachers, just as we hold lotteries to see who's going to get into charter schools. (Doesn't the word "lottery" just scream out the idea that if you don't get chosen, you're a loser who has to go to a lowly public school?) I'd further suggest that we make it a real lottery, and sell lottery tickets to these applicants at about $1000 a pop. That would raise 26 million for our cash strapped schools. I know what you're about to say--that a lottery does nothing to ensure the quality of applicants. Perhaps not, but since most teachers are gone in a few years anyway, it fits in perfectly with Klein's high churn rate strategy. Charge them to get in, then deny them tenure. Rinse. Repeat.

Bloomberg opposes taxes on the rich to pay for teachers because he fears the rich will leave and take their tax dollars elsewhere. Many of the wealthy have already begun scoping out properties in other desirable areas where the super-rich tend to gather, such as Cheboygan, Michigan. The heck with going to the Met--the rich can instead first-night in style at the Cheyboygan Opera House, which saves tax money by also serving as city hall, police headquarters, and a fire station. That's the kind of fiscal restraint that the rich are looking for.

The mayor has no objection to taxing things done by the poor and middle class. The state has implemented a huge new tax on cigarettes and tanning salons with nary a peep from Bloomie. You see, rich people smoke less, and the rich who tan, like House Minority Leader John Boehner, often have their tans applied by servants wielding orange Crayolas.

When informed of the new taxes, Nicole "Snooki" Polizzi immediately responded. "Cigs and tans being taxed? Why not just tax my frickin' pouf or casual sex and get it over with?" Upon hearing Snooki's remarks, Governor Patterson immediately implemented a Pouf Tax, although he decided against the Casual Sex Act Act, just in case. Snooki's response was immediate. She took her tax base, moved to Michigan, and started a new reality show called Cheboygan Shore, co-starring Bill Gates (Billy G) and Rush Limbaugh (RushFat).

In other economic news, the price of an early screening to the Michelle Rhee love fest known as Waiting for Superman has been slashed to $25. In response, Mr. Talk has announced that tickets for his long awaited summer blockbuster Waiting for Kryptonite can be had for $1.19, or for free if you swipe him into the subway with your Metrocard.

In what may be related news, the docs have upped my meds.

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