Sunday, June 27, 2010

Waiting for Kryptonite

A lot of ed deformers are eagerly anticipating the release of Waiting for Superman, which appears, from what I can gather, to be a celluloid piece of anti-teacher propaganda dressed up as a documentary. It's about the "failing" public school system in this country and its wait for a superhero-like savior, such as Michelle Rhee or Arne Duncan. Reality Based Educator blogged about how the movie--not even released yet--is being positioned as proof positive that teachers stink on ice.

Rather than some lame press release like we usually get from the UFT stating how unfair the flick is, I propose that we take some of the beaucoup bucks the union collects and invest them in an anti-reform film ourselves. To get the attention we need, I propose that we hire some of Hollywood's hottest names to portray the film's main characters.

The film, called Waiting for Kryptonite as a counter to the deformers, would be a typical Hollywood portrayal of a hard-working teacher who manages to triumph every day and teach incorrigible students against tremendous odds. Just for argument's sake, we'll say the main character is one Mr. Talk, a devastatingly handsome and dedicated teacher with brooding good looks, played by Taylor Lautner.

Here are some of the other characters (any similarity between these fictional characters and real life humans is highly unlikely, as the people they are based on aren't human):

Miss Shelley Rhee, Champion Ed Deformer and arch nemesis of Mr. Talk. Her evil powers include the ability to convince people she is expert in areas she knows nothing about. She will be played by Khloe Kardashian, who, like her character, is mostly known for marrying an NBA star. When Khloe/Rhee doesn't get her way, she threatens to fire everyone or to crush them with her enormous ass.

Joe K. Lion
, a once proud laywer who turned into the Chancellor of Darkness once he lost his full mane of gray hair in a tragic bikini waxing accident. Determined to ruin the careers of teachers everywhere who retain any gray hair whatsoever, Chancellor Lion attempts to strip away Mr. Talk's tenure, but instead strips away his shirt to reveal a set of rock hard abs developed through years of bending over backwards to help his students. The part of the Chancellor will be played by Howie Mandell after we roll him down a jagged mountain.

Arnie Doorknob, a former basketball player who also loves Miss Rhee. He mistakes her enormous ass for a couple of basketballs and attempts to slam dunk her from the free throw line. Miss Rhee then spurns him and marries her NBA star. Arnie decides to win her back by becoming the Secretary of Education and implementing all her policies. At first, the affable Doorknob has difficulty being so nasty, but decides to complete his evil turn when at least 11 teachers at an education conference ask him "Why the long face?". The role of Arnie Doorknob will be played by Lurch from the Addams Family.

This triumvirate of evil--Chancellor Joe, Shelley, and Arnie--sometimes called the Lion, the Bitch, and the Doorknob--join forces with the diabolical billionaire Mayor TurdBloom of Metropolis (who was to have been played by Gary Coleman) to bring down Mr. Talk and his dream of educating children. They hit him with a slew of fiendish initiatives, including such hellish measures as unrelenting testing, running records, conference binders. student portfolios, and PD on Brooklyn/Queens Day. Mr. Talk and his abs are almost defeated when he remembers his ally, Randy Winebottle (portrayed by the Gollum). Mr. Talk believes that Randy can help, and she offers him a magic scroll. Imagine Mr. Talk's horror as he takes the paper and sees the words "2005 Contract" scrawled across the top in blood.

Will Mr. Talk triumph in his quest to give students a decent education? Or will they become educational zombies, staggering to school each day brandishing a fistful of sharpened #2 pencils to do the bidding of the evil deformers? And is there enough liposuction in the world for Miss Rhee be able to fit her ass through the door?


Anonymous said...

You kill me.

Anonymous said...

AT can you get any funnier? You don't know how much I enjoy reading your blog. You're a creative genius.

Keep them blogs coming. You always make my day.

Thank you once again. I plan to have Krytonite in my pocket when the principal does a walk-through into my classroom.

BronxEnglish said...

I absolutely pant with anticipation when I go to your blog. . . when there's a new post, I jump up and down inside. This was frickin hilarious!