Monday, May 17, 2010

Mulrgew Reaches Landmark Agreement with State

The Central Falls, Rhode Island school that fired all their teachers because the students were not passing their tests rehired all their staff today. President Obama, who hailed the mass firings as an example of accountability, also hailed the rehirings, saying "First we fired 'em, then we rehired 'em. That represents change. Real change we can believe in." Then he jetted off in AirForce 1 to visit his children at their exclusive private school.

Michael Mulgrew, making note of Obama's praise for Rhode Island, immediately sat down with David Steiner, NYS Education Commissioner, and worked out the details of an amendment to the agreement tying teacher evaluations to test scores.

"Using the Central Falls school as a model, we have added some teeth to the recent agreement with the state," said Mulgrew. He immediately sought to calm the fears of union members by saying, "This agreement will bring accountability to the schools, of course, but it will have no negative impact on our members, unless you happen to be a teacher." The 91% of UFT members who voted for Mulgrew simultaneously let loose a sigh of relief.

"First of all," continued Mulgrew, "those of you rated 'highly effective' will feel no impact at all. That will amount to about 10% of teachers, so we have effectively placed a cap on the number of teachers who can be harassed. Yesterday, there was no cap!"

Other details of the agreement were divulged as well. Teachers rated merely 'effective' would be forced to wear a sign around their necks saying "I'm NOT highly effective." Those receiving a 'developing' rating would follow the Central Falls model; they would be fired and then rehired again as soon as their homes went into foreclosure. "A hungry teacher is an effective teacher," said Mulgrew.

The major sticking point in the agreement was how to deal with teachers rated 'ineffective'. Chancellor Klein suggested that they be slammed in an iron coffin with spikes on the inside, but Mulgrew, taking a hardline union stance, refused to acquiecse. Instead, 'ineffective' teachers will be stapled to their own bulletin boards using industrial stapling guns. Mulgrew hailed this as a major victory for the union. "We've made sure that not one teacher will end up in an iron coffin. Of course, they couldn't do that to you before, either, but now we have it in writing, which is a win for the union!"

Upon hearing of the new agreement, Randi Weingarten climaxed several times, once so powerfully it actually unclenched her face for a few moments. President Obama also weighed in, saying "This is accountability we can believe in. And change. And hope for accountability for a change."

1 comment:

VEGA said...

That was funny as Hell but unfortunately there is too much truth behind it.