Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Ruben Brosbe, The Musical! Or, How To Succeed In The Teaching Business Without Really Trying

It was inevitable! After the roaring success of his low TDR scores made him the Toast of the Post, and his extended tenure made him a Daily News Notable, E4E Productions is proud to bring you (drum roll....)

Ruben Brosbe, the Musical!

We can't give away too many spoilers, but we can tell you some of the exciting plot line! A young man named Ruben Brosbe wants to become a great teacher, but realizes he has none of the skills it takes to be one. Discouraged and about to quit, a fellow unsuccessful teacher slips him a book called How To Succeed in the Teaching Business Without Really Trying, by Doug Lemov and Mel Brooks. The book tells him that there's no need to bother with all those teacher-ish things, like writing and executing good lessons. No, all he needs to succeed is to seize on the anti-teacher sentiments brewed up by the ed deform movement, and become their poster boy! This strategy actually allows our hero to succeed by failing. Ruben starts blogging, shilling for E4E and Gotham Schools, and stabbing his fellow teachers in the back at every turn. He becomes a folk hero to the local dailies. Nothing can stop him now!

Or can it? After a round of vicious self-flagellation lands Ruben a flattering cover story in the Times Magazine, his fellow teachers confront him in the men's room and threaten to expose the fact that one of Ruben's students actually learned something. Dismayed, Ruben tries to restore his lack of confidence in one of the musicals most rousing numbers, I Don't Believe In You. As he stares in the mirror, he croons to himself:

Now there you are,
Yes, there's that face!
That face no one can trust!
It might embarrass you to hear me say it,
But say it I must! Say it I must!
You've got the dull, brown eyes
of a failure without a full deck!
Yet there's that hipster beard
looking weirder than all holy heck!
I don't believe in you!
I don't believe in you!

With his self-doubt fully restored, Ruben goes on a bender of negative posting. He blogs his every mistake. He bemoans his every misstep. Still, it seems unsatisfying. He's about to tender his resignation but first he goes off to drown his sorrows. By chance, he tells his troubles to a group of young teachers standing at the bar. Upon hearing this story, the leader of this group, Evan Stone, pulls out a copy of How To Succeed in the Teaching Business Without Really Trying. Ruben realizes he has found soul-mates in his E4E friends and resolves to join them. This leads to the rousing finale, The Brotherhood of Scabs:

Now you may join the Elks my friends,
And I may join the Shriners,
And other men may carry cards,
As members of the Diners.
Still others wear a golden key,
Or small Greek letter pin,
But we all need to wear Asshats,
before we can get in...into the...

Brotherhood of scabs,
The malevolent brotherhood of scabs,
Ignoble ties that bind our lips to Klein's behind,
A great big brotherhood of scabs!

(Chorus joins in, donning hipster beards and Asshats)

Your E4E membership is free!
Keep downing all the free drinks you can!
Oh we're so proud to be,
Failing so miserably!
In this great brotherhood of scabs!

(Curtain falls)

So far, the musical has gotten rave reviews:

"This play will run for years! And then I'll extend it another two years!"--Ruben's principal.

"If you see only one ed deform musical this year, see this one! I'll buy everyone drinks!" --Bill Gates

"I almost cried, but I have no human empathy! Or tear ducts!" --Michelle Rhee, Students First

"I don't know. I tried really hard, but in the end, I think I sucked in this role!"--Ruben

With this kind of success/failure, can "Ruben Brosbe On Ice" be far behind?


zulma said...

You are a true, blue genius! This is the play that all deformers must see and show to all future TFA participants. I heard that Duncan wants to see the play and compare Ruben's successful failure to the dramatic, news catching failures of the administrators of Central Falls, Rhode Island school district. He also wants to see if Ruben's publicized failure is a big hit and the best thing that ever happen to education similar to hurricane Katrina in New Orleans. Duncan can't wait to view Ruben's performance in this play so he can update the RttT 3.0 version where other teachers' failures will be measured by the new Ruben Rubric, where incompetence will get you an extension of your probation for two years and finally fired.

I can't wait to hear of Ruben's next performance. Trump will probably direct it; I heard it's called "You're Fired!"

Sardonic Soothsayer said...

I see an accounting degree in Ruben's cloudy future....