Thursday, July 7, 2016
"I'd like to thank those of you who applauded me as I came in, all three of you. Some of your colleagues booed Crooked Hillary the other day, and all I can say is, good for you. Boo her. I am going to make education great again. I even thought of a slogan: "Make Education Great Again". I have the best slogans, believe me. I had baseball caps made for all of you with the slogan on it, but it was delayed when those folks in China refused to work 20 hours a day instead of the usual 18.
I wanted to tell you today that I will be great for education. I went to school myself, and that's how I got this great brain of mine. It's a top brain, let me tell you. My brain will come up with great ideas for education any day now. And no one knows education better than me. I mean, I started my own university, right? Look how well that went. People paid me lots of money just so they could say they had a Trump University degree. So, I stamp "TRUMP" on it, and make them promise not to say anything about how I scammed them or I'd sue. Genius, right?
So let's start with that. When I am president, we'll make the kids sign non-disclosure agreements in order to get "TRUMP APPROVED" stamped on their report cards. Who wouldn't want a Trump Report Card? No stamp, you get summer school. That'll teach the little bastards.
Now I've said I'm going to get rid of the Common Core, and I mean that. This is America! There's nothing common about us! So the Common Core is gone, believe me. We are gonna call it the Excellent Core. Same thing, but we brand it! Get it? So we can say our kids are excellent, not common! That's the kind of thinking I'm gonna give you.
Not only that, I am gonna add another R to the three R's. Three is better than four, right? So now we're gonna have reading, writing, 'rithmetic, and get this--Revolvers! Things like Sandy Hook--imagine how much better it would have been if thirty or forty teachers had opened fire in that school. Imagine bullets flying in both directions. It would have turned out much different, believe me. Every teacher is going to be packing heat in the classroom. Discipline problems--say goodbye to those. No kid will talk back to you when you have a Glock on your hip, am I right? Except maybe the Mexicans.
Speaking of them, let's get real for a minute folks, OK? We don't need the Mexicans or Muslims here with their sombreros and hibeejabbs. Pretty much anyone who comes here with funny hats we're gonna get rid of, OK? So what does that mean for you? Smaller class sizes! I hear you teacher types whining all the time about too many kids, no room to squeeze them in. So we deport them! These foreigners are either taking our jobs or shooting up our gays, and I have no problem with the gays--I love the gays as you know-well, not that way because I have Melania and who wouldn't want to hit that? Even my daughter, Ivanka, she'd turn a gay man straight. She had a rack to die for when she was thirteen. If she wasn't my daughter...but what am I telling you for? Many of you have had young students who developed early, and I mean, who wouldn't look? Unless you're gay, except the lesbians, but that's no reason they should be shot, which I am totally against.
And another good thing about deporting all these foreigners is--no more ELL classes! We're all gonna speak good American, like me! So you ELL teachers can go back to teaching something important. And foreign language? Forget it. We're going to make America great again, and we're going to start by speaking American, all the time.
I have a plan to give every teacher here an immediate raise of over a thousand dollars a year! You know how? It's smart--I only have smart ideas, the best ideas. I'm going to appoint Supreme Court justices who will make sure that you don't have to pay union dues! At all! That's a thousand clams you can count on keeping under a Trump presidency!
And speaking of unions, I want to thank Randi Weingarten for not stopping me from coming here to speak today. She blocked the door, but she's short and I stepped right over her. I have long legs and big hands as you know, not that Randi cares about that. Anyway, could someone revive Randi and bring her out here?
There she is! Look at my Jew over there! Look at her! Are you the greatest? Or is it Jewess--I don't know because I'm not politically correct. As you know, I love the Jews. As I've said before, the only people I want counting my money are short guys that wear yarmulkes. Whoa, why all the booing? How many Jews do we have here anyway? Raise your hand! Boy, that's a lot. I had no idea. But I think it's great that your people dedicate themselves to educating the youth of today.
In fact, that gives me an idea. You people have been oppressed for so long, I think you deserve special treatment. So when I am president--can someone pick Randi up again?--I am going to single you out for your great service. I am going to make you Sheriffs of your school. You'll be asked--in fact required--to call a registry every day so we can keep tabs on you. I mean on your school. And just so everyone knows your special status, I am going to issue you a special yellow Sherrifs badge! You're going to love it, believe me!
So don't forget--vote Trump in November! Made education great again! Or write in Bernie or Stein, it doesn't matter to me as long as we keep Crooked Hillary out! Thank you!"