Tuesday, July 19, 2016

BREAKING: Trump's Acceptance Speech Leaks!

In light of Melania Trump's plagiarism fiasco, it was certain that the remaining Republican speeches would be heavily scrutinized for similar transgressions. Donald Trump gave his written acceptance speech to his aides to be checked, and some passages have leaked to the media. While the elaborate style of the leaked passages might indicate that some of the words were written by a more eloquent speaker, other passages, as well as the spirit of the words themselves, show that the Donald played a major part in writing it. Here are some of the more significant passages that were leaked.

(Wait for applause to die down. Assume a 5 minute ovation.)

My fellow Republicans and to everyone watching at home. This is indeed a great moment for America. Really great. I'm here to say a few words. As you know, words build bridges into unexplored regions. And I have the best words. The best.

Some people doubt me because I am rich and have a beautiful wife. But people forget that I am also smart. I have a great brain that I am going to use to lead this country. So when you see me and Melania, remember that money glitters, beauty sparkles, and intelligence shines. And we are going to shine, believe me. We'll be the shiniest first couple ever, no contest.

And with my great brain, I am going to make great decisions, you can count on it. Some worry that I have no political experience, but I will get some help. But make no mistake--I will be calling the shots. There must be no majority decisions, but only responsible persons, and the word 'council' must be restored to its original meaning. Surely every man will have advisers by his side, but the decision will be made by one man. And that one man is me. I make the best decisions. For there is one thing we must never forget--the majority will never replace the man. And I am the man, folks.

I know some of you didn't want me to represent you, OK? I know that. But you know what? You are all losers. I said I was going to win from the beginning, and who's smiling now? People may not always believe what you say, but they will believe what you do. And I've done the impossible. I beat 17 other candidates to stand before you today. The leader of genius must have the ability to make different opponents appear as if they belonged to one category. Right, Lyin' Ted? Low Energy Jeb?

Anyway, I'm not here to run people down. I am here to help lead this nation and prevent the disaster this country is becoming, because otherwise, we have no country. The doom of a nation can only be averted by a storm of flowing passion, but only those who are passionate themselves can arouse such passion in others. And I can arouse passion, believe me. Or ask Melania. These tiny hands mean nothing.

And speaking of passion, we must destroy our enemies. Obstacles do not exist to to be surrendered to, but only to be broken. And that's how we have to treat our enemies, folks. We'll defeat our enemies by any means necessary. Success is the only earthly judge of right and wrong. And we will have so much success. You'll be sick of succeeding against our enemies, I can tell you that. We can bring back waterboarding or kill the families of terrorists. Demoralize the enemy from within by surprise, terror, sabotage, assassination. This is the war of the future. The Future under the Donald.

We have to focus like a laser beam against our enemies, such as ISIS. You can only do that with leadership. You know I wrote "The Art of the Deal", right? Well, I'm going to write a new chapter in American history called "The Art of Leadership", because leadership is how we defeat enemies. The art of leadership consists in consolidating the attention of the people against a single adversary and taking care that nothing will split up that attention. That's how we'll win. Strength lies not in defense, but in attack. By fighting off the Islamists, I am doing the Lord's work. I believe today that my conduct is in accordance with the will of the Almighty Creator. And I am pretty good with God, let me tell you. Otherwise, why did he give me all this money and a hot wife? Who says I am not under the special protection of God? And I will put in a good word for this country with my prayers, which believe me, you'll need.

In conclusion, I want to thank you for this great victory for me and for America. That's all that matters--victory. Sure I told some whoppers to get here, but that doesn't matter now. The victor will never be asked if he told the truth, am I right? And now that I have won the nomination, we must fight like hell for the White House. It is not truth that matters, but victory. We must win and defeat Hillary Clinton.

America needs a leader, and I am that man. For to be a leader means to be able to move the masses. And I am going to move this country to the right. Believe me, and thank you!

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MORE BREAKING NEWS! The media ran this speech through Turnitin.com to check for plagiarism. It turns out that it is nearly half plagiarized. The underlined sentences above were all "borrowed".

From Adolph Hitler. Apparently, Trump did read the book of Hitler's speeches he kept by his bedside.







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