Thursday, November 1, 2012

Getting Your Classroom Ready in the Wake of Sandy

The DOE has released details about what teachers will be expected to do tomorrow. It will be essentially a PD day, and teachers may select from any of the following topics:

The Boy Scout In You--Being Prepared For Monday

It is essential that you 'be prepared' for Monday, when your students will return to school. This workshop will show you what you need to do. Topics will include:
  • Clockwise or Counterclockwise?: A Guide to Turning Your Key in the Classroom Door
  • Switching on Lights 101 (only in schools that have electricity)
  • #2 or Not #2--That is the Question: Using a pencil on your ATS sheet

Getting to Work on Monday
Sure you made it in on Friday, but you may run into more obstacles Monday when everyone else will be returning at work. Here's what you need to know about getting in on Monday, assuming you make it home on Friday:
  • Cross That Bridge When You Come To It: You'll need two passengers to get on most bridges. We'll show you how to pick up hitchhikers. Topics include: 'How to tell honest strangers from mass murderers (most of the time)', 'Using your Iphone as a weapon', and 'Is that hitchhiker using his thumb to get a ride or is he just happy to see you?'
  • Using Mass Transit: With many more people trying to use a crippled system, we will investigate how long it will take you to get to work on Monday. Guest speaker Mayor Bloomberg will host a special webcast instructing you on how to get your limo driver to drop you at the appropriate station.
  • Running on Empty: Had just enough gas to get in on Friday, but the gas shortage leaves you high and dry on Monday? No problem! Big wigs from the DOE will show you how to siphon gas from strangers' cars. Learn from the experts--no one sucks harder than they do.

Integrating Hurricane Sandy into the Curriculum

Don't forget that every disaster is a learning opportunity! We'll examine some possible teaching ideas across the curriculum, such as:
  • Math: Determine the volume of water necessary to shut down a system, and the amount of hot air generated by politicians in their self-congratulatory post-disaster press conferences.
  • ELA: Examine the use of language before, during, and after Sandy. For example, when Mayor Bloomberg said last week that the schools would be open Monday despite the impending storm, was he using understatement, sarcasm, or just shit for brains? Would you classify his post-Sandy comments that only his team's swift action prevented further damage as irony or a messiah complex?
  • Social Studies: Many are calling Sandy the worst disaster in NYC since 9/11. Evaluate that statement in light of Bloomberg's failed mayoralty.
  • Science: Do some research into hurricanes. How do they form? How do they track the jet stream? Why do we keep calling them sissy names like Irene and Sandy, instead of really butch names, like Bruno, Atilla, or for that matter, Butch?
  • Foreign Language:  Evaluate--when Mayor Bloomberg concludes every press conference with a few words for our Hispanic citizens, is he doing it for the yuks? When he says "Sandy ess mooooo-eyyy peli-GROSS-a!" has soda ever shot your nose? Explain.


chaz said...

You forgot the most important PD.  How to ignore the affects of poverty on student academic achievement.

Augustus Talk said...

I believe they are saving that for Election Day on Tuesday, although we will spend half the day pondering how we will prepare to reopen the schools on Wednesday.

E K said...

Read your DOE email!
Teachers should report to their schools tomorrow. Don't forget.

Anonymous said...

Watching some of the politicians walking the streets and speaking to real people who are facing the tragedy brought about by the storm - you know what?  The politicians can't perform miracles.  Teachers cannot perform miracles either and the affets of poverty on a students academic achievement is indeed very tragic.

ChrisRegoPark said...

This is hysterical.  Mr. Talk, have you ever considered a 2nd career as a stand up comedian? I have seen a few stand-ups who said they were former teachers.  anyway, thanks for the laughs.

Anon said...

Jose also had some funny stuff up today.  btw, when did the reporting time change to 10am?  Just wondering when teachers were informed.

I noticed that... said...

You are too freaking funny!  I love the part about the DoE "suck" ups!  They are endless "suck" ups.