Tuesday, February 9, 2010

Citizen Klein--Gone at 63

Joel Irwin Klein, Chancellor of the NYC public schools since 2002, who had long suffered from heart problems during his entire reign as education's top dog, finally succumbed to his health issues. He was 63.

Most of the city, as well as Klein's casual acquaintences, were shocked by the news. Klein's closest intimates and advisors, however, saw the end coming. "There was something different about him in the last few days, so I knew something was wrong," said several members of the Panel for Educational Policy, in unison. "One day, he was rubbing his hands together in sadistic glee, preparing to close 19 schools. That was the Joel we knew. Then on Monday he came to Tweed whistling. That was the beginning of the end."

Mayor Bloomberg concurred. "It was obvious his heart problem had gotten the best of him. I think I actually saw him grin this morning. When he told me that he was planning to close the schools tomorrow for a snow day, I knew the end was drawing near."

Klein was rushed to Bellevue hospital and given an electrocardiogram. That test revealed what few at Tweed had ever suspected--that the chancellor had a heart.

"It wasn't much of a heartbeat," said Dr. Lance Boyle, ER physician. "But it was there. We had to take action."

According to Boyle, physicians tried desperately to save the ailing chancellor. "We did everything that medical science could do. At one point, we even considered driving a stake through his heart, but it was just too teensy. The beat persisted, and eventually we just had to accept the fact that he was human."

It was rumored as he lay on the hospital gurney, his heart monitor showing the merest glimpe of movement beyone a flatline. Klein smiled faintly and whispered, "Rosebud." Then, he announced that the schools would be closed.

There will be no funeral for Mr. Klein, but those wishing to pay their first respects are urged to build a bald headed snowman tomorrow in his honor. The chancellor's loved ones asked that they not be identified, as being a loved one of Joel Klein was difficult enough.

1 comment:

Pissedoffteacher said...

I don't think he has a heart. He closed schools out of fear of the bad press he got last year when he closed them at 6:30 in the morning, too late for parents to make altenative plans.

If it was up to him, he would have teachers and childrent shoveling the snow in place of the custodial staff.

This time, while I loved the post, I think you misjudged the man.