Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Mayoral Control Goes to the Dogs

On the heels (!) of NYC Educator's proclamation that a dog could pass the NYS ELA and Math tests, and the announcement this week that dogs are as smart or smarter than your average toddler, Mayor Bloomberg announced that he is starting a new Doggie DOE at a nominal cost of four billion dollars per year. Using a formula that has worked well for him in the past, Bloomberg then cut 10 per cent from the budget and demanded that Albany give him total control over the new DDOE. Legislators argued for a few moments, but soon rolled over on their backs, whereupon Bloomberg scratched their bellies and fed them lumps of sugar.

Recognizing the need for a strong leader-of-the-pack type to ring in the new department, Bloomberg called upon Cesar Millan, the Dog Whisperer, to be the new Chancellor of the DDOE. At a hastily called press conference, Cesar refused to take questions, but made the reporters beg, bark, and ask permission before they could leave the room to pee. Infuriated that someone had more control over the press than even himself, Bloomberg immediately fired Millan and brought in a new chancellor.

"It's time we get rid of the same old politics that made NYC dogs so lazy," said Bloomberg. "All a dog has to do to get a license under the current system is breathe. We need to toughen up those standards and end social licensing. And I know just the man to do it--Joel Klein, the new DDOE chancellor." The reporters, sensing that Cesar Milan was gone, scrambled to their seats and began asking questions. Asked one reporter of Klein, "What makes you think you know how to train the city's 1 million dogs better than a canine expert like Mr. Millan? Do you have any experience with dogs?"

Klein thought for a moment. "On the way over I stepped in a big pile of dog shit. And I once tried to lick my own balls."

The reporters, hugely impressed, ran off to write lengthy editorials in praise of the new system.

All is not Alpo and Snausages with the new system as of yet. The first public doggie school slated to open in September, called Brooklyn Fetch, began taking applications from all neighborhood dogs yesterday. This morning, however, Eva Moscowitz showed up accompanied by a bunch of Dobermans with spiked collars and demanded space for her new FruFru Doggie Charter Academy. Joel Klein confronted Moskowitz but acceded to the request shortly after a giant hole was ripped in his trousers by a set of slavering jaws. It took security guards several minutes to wrest the torn pants from Ms. Moskowitz's mouth. Immediately afterwards, Moskowitz began signing up all the German Shepherds, border collies, and poodles for her new academy, leaving the neighborhood dogs to the public school system.

There are more signs that the DDOE is headed for controversy. Several trainers at the new school attempted to unionize in an effort to force the city to supply them with pooper scoopers. Fortunately, Randi Weingarten stepped in and created the new Doggie's Choice program, which will supply enough money for trainers to purchase scoopers or bags, but not both. She hailed this as enormous victory and kissed Joel Klein on both cheeks. Fortunately, he was not attempting to lick his balls at the time. On a sad note, the union organizers were sent to Trainer Reassignment Centers, known among trainers as "The Dog House".

In addition, owners of St. Bernards began demanding vouchers so their dogs could attend Catholic school.


Pogue said...

I also heard they were constantly trying to teach the older dogs new tricks, and, if they couldn't perform, puppies were hired at half the salary to take their positions.

Ms. Tsouris said...

Will the DDOE have staff development officially known as Doggie Training, or DT?

Make no bones about it, this post is another one of your very funny and spot on spoofs!! Thanks, Mr. Talk.

Anonymous said...

This piece made me doggone howl! I had to share it with my pit bull, who graduated with honors, with no credit recovery programs. AT, you're a riot!