A Christmas Miracle

Dear Mr. Talk, 
I need to inform you that my darling angel child, Joe Thrope, will not be attending school next week because we are going to Disney World as a reward for Joe achieving a 55 average and no further arrests. Please send me any homeworks you plan to assign next week and over the holidays so that Joe can ignore them as he always does.
Ms. Anne Thrope


Dear Ms. Thrope.

I hardly know what to say. You've made me a very happy man. Certainly I shall miss your darling angel child, much as I miss the boil on my ass that was lanced last week. I have attached all the assignments that Joe will miss in a single file, so that you may delete it more efficiently.

Also, I feel it is my duty to inform you that Chancellor Walcott has alerted all teachers that accepting gifts of more than $5 may be construed as a conflict of interest. Considering that your child's absence over the next 6 days might legitimately be viewed as priceless, I am forced to classify these absences not as a gift, but a Christmas miracle.

Yours sincerely,
Mr. Talk

Getting Buffaloed by Bloomberg

I'm a big Jets fan. The last three years have been especially interesting with Rex Ryan at the helm. He's larger than life, both figuratively and literally. In each of the three years he has been coach, he has predicted that the Jets would win the Super Bowl. While that hasn't happened (yet), we have gone to the AFC championship game in each of the last two seasons. This season is more iffy, but there's a chance we'll get to the playoffs again, and then--who knows?

This reminds me somewhat of Mayor Bloomberg, another (figuratively) larger than life personality who boasted that he'd get NYC public schools to the top of the heap. The boasting is where the similarity ends, however. Rex Ryan has produced results, while Mayor4life has not. The most recent NAEP scores show that over the last ten years, under Bloomie's stewardship, schools have not improved at all.

Bloomberg is trying to salvage what's left of his credibility by claiming that at least NYC has done better than other urban areas in the state--what Sol Stern of the Daily News calls the "We're better than Buffalo" defense. Talk about lowering expectations. NYC was supposed to be transformed into an oasis of educational excellence under the steady guidance of mayoral control; instead, we are slightly better than Buffalo.

Which brings me back to Rex Ryan. If the Jets lose this season, I'm having a hard time picturing Ryan coming out and saying, "Sure, we missed the playoffs, but at least we beat the Buffalo Bills twice!" No, beating Buffalo is NOT what Rex Ryan was hired to do. He was hired to get the Jets to the Super Bowl. And beating Buffalo on the NAEP is not what Bloomberg was hired to do; he was hired to make NYC schools significantly better than when he took over. He has failed miserably. The only honorable thing for him to do would be to resign, but that will never happen.

A final contrast between Ryan and Bloomberg is accountability. When the Jets underperform, Ryan falls on the dagger for his team. He does this, as any good coach does, to take the heat off his players and allow them to focus on the game at hand. Bloomberg, in sharp contrast, not only doesn't take the dagger himself, he plunges it into the backs of his teachers and then twists.

I'm certainly glad that Bloomberg doesn't coach the Jets. On the other hand, we might want to give Rex Ryan a shot at running the schools. He may not know much about education, but he sure as hell knows that beating Buffalo isn't enough.

I'm a Public School Teacher

I've been thinking about retirement lately. I'll need something to do, as shuffleboard leaves me cold.

While watching X Factor this week, I thought it might be great to become a rapper. It seems easy enough, in the sense that you don't really have to sing. The hours are short, and I think it'd be great to wear a clock around my neck, as I can hardly see the numerals on my watch anymore without my reading glasses. So I wrote the rap below. I was thinking about making my own video, but I was all out of Cristal. If anyone wants to record this, I'd be happy to post the video.

I’m a public school teacher.

I plan my lessons with rigor and teach them with vigor

No chalk and talk, I’ve got teach and walk

I’m child centered, self directed,

Technology enabled, Internet connected.

I group heterogeneously, homogeneously, and even alphabetically.

I hold small group discussions with classes of thirty four

I teach mini-lessons, big ideas, small moments and more.

I’m over crowded, overworked, over taxed and overlooked
I'm under supplied with pencils and books.

I spend out of pocket for my own supplies

What I can’t afford, I improvise.

My pockets are empty but my briefcase is full.

With grade books and tests papers and all kinds of bull.

I get observed, evaluated, walked through, walked on,

Talked to, talked at, pissed off, dumped on,

I get PD in the PM of every half day.

I’m POed that I have to teach extended day.

I teach ELA, ESL, Gen Ed, and CTT,

From ADD to ADHD to just plain crazy,

All jammed in one room, packed like sardines.

Jammin' to my rituals and my routines.

I’m a public school teacher.

I’m a man with a plan, I’ve got a lesson in hand

Competing for attention with adolescent glands.

I check for homework, attendance, understanding, participation,

Abuse, neglect, frustration and sedation.

I aim high with my Aim, to the point of obsession,

I always frame it in the form of a question.

My questions are motivational, my Do Nows inspirational,

When the AP drops by, I start getting perspirational.

We analyze, memorize, hypothesize, synthesize.

I differentiate, evaluate, discriminate, and formulate.

I integrate technology and practice amateur psychology.
I teach biography and chronology from my anthology.

I’ve gone from blackboard, to chalkboard, to white board, to Smart board.

I’ve even got an up to date, standards based bulletin board,

Backing paper, border paper, borderline papers, exemplary papers.

Tasks and rubrics, chart paper, word wall,

A fire chart that says exit left down the hall.

Fire drills, wind drills,and rapid dismissals,

Warning bells, passing bells, late bells and whistles.

I’m a public school teacher

I’m a traffic cop. Stay to the right! Stop when I say stop!

Don’t go down the up, or up the down,

Don’t stand around like a circus clown.

Don’t be a bully. And don’t you harass!

Where’s your pass? Now get to class!

I’ll check your latenesses, your absences, your cuts, and more.

You check your attitude at my door.

Give me your homework, your assignment, your report,

Whatever I ask for, keep the snotty retort.

Give me your attention, undivided, with a side of respect.

Give me your answers, provided your sure they’re correct.

But don’t give me an attitude, an excuse, or guff

Or anything less than you’re capable of.

Come in, settle down, don’t talk, now turn and talk,

Partner talk, group talk, but for God’s sake, don’t talk!

Why? Because this will be graded! Because I said no!

Because I’ll call your mom! Because I said so!

Raise your hand, don’t call out, and not too loud!

Figure out the answer and make me proud!

I’m a public school teacher.

I go to Parent/Teacher conferences and monthly staff meetings,

I go to dances and pageants with themes of Seasons Greetings

I go to sports and assemblies, games, and plays,

Most of all I go to extremes most days.

I’ve been cursed out, lied to, jacked up, run around,

Told off, told on, told tales, and calmed down.
But you can't discourage me, because one thing I've found is...

I’m a public school teacher.

Don’t ask me why I do what I do.
Just get yourself a pencil--number two.
Here's a pop quiz--let me ask you:
Which of the following statements is true?
A. Teachers are completely out of their minds
B. It has to be a labor of love
C. We just can't stand to see a child left behind
D. ALL of the above

Word. Look it up in the dictionary.

Bloomberg KO'ed by KO

I don't know how many of you watch Keith Olberman these days. I know I rarely see him now that he's on Current TV, but I'm going to watch him more often. Watch him as he eviscerates Mayor4Life, comparing him to George Wallace, Mayor Daly, and Joe McCarthy. Enjoy!

Promises, Promises

Just got a nice invite from the DOE to participate in a survey about my school. It sounds great. The purpose of the survey is to "..inform recommendations to school and administrative leaders – at NYCDOE and across the country – on how to attract and keep great teachers for schools serving low-income students."


Awesome! Sign me up!


But wait. I had a deja vu moment as I read the email. It said: The surveys will be voluntary and confidential. No individual schools, staff or teachers will be personally identifiable in any future reports or publications, and individual responses will not be shared with anyone from NYCDOE. All data will be reported in the aggregate.


Now, where have I heard that before? Oh yes. That's the same bullshit that they told us when they asked us to participate in Teacher Data Reports.  If you recall. none of that data was ever going to be shared. The DOE promised us it would remain confidential. They promised that they would actively resist any attempt to use that data in any way and fight against its release.


Oops. Turns out they were just joshing us. What they really meant to say was that they would try to release that supposedly confidential information at the first possible opportunity. The UFT is still in court trying to make the DOE keep its promise. As of right now, the UFT is losing that battle.


If you look at the survey, there are so many personal questions that it would relatively easy for someone to figure out who took it. They ask you things such as subject, years teaching, years in the district, years in your school, etc. They also ask you how happy you are with your school's leadership by asking a whole host of questions. I bet your principals and APs would love to read that.


Oh, but they can't. Because the surveys are confidential. It's even in bold print! Just because the DOE screwed 80,000 teachers once by reneging on a confidentiality agreement doesn't mean they'll do it again, does it?


I wouldn't bet my career on it.