Monday, December 27, 2010

Schools Open Today, "Chancellor" Announces

In her first major decision as presumptive "chancellor", Cathie Black announced today that despite the blizzard that dumped more than a foot of snow on NYC, public schools would be open today.

When reminded that schools are closed until 1/3/11 for the holidays, Cathie Black snapped back, "New York City has a long history of keeping schools open despite blizzards. We're not going to let little things like the union contract and school calendars stand in the way of our children's education. It's all about the children. Well, not my children, of course, but you get the idea."

Contacted in his beach cabana in Bermuda for comment, Mayor Bloomberg slammed his coconut shell cocktail down on a table and fumed, "This is another example of teachers trying to do what's best for themselves rather than putting children first. I believe I have full legal authority to open the schools. Do I have mayoral control of the schools or not? If I can appoint a bimbo like Cathie as chancellor, I can open the schools when I want."

UFT president Michael Mulgrew voiced his displeasure with the unilateral decision. "I don't think it's right, but Ms. Black is the new chancellor and I have vowed to work with her despite her utter ignorance of the school system. Besides, the UFT has long fought for smaller class sizes, and I'm urging teachers to look at this as an opportunity to work one on one with kids. Literally."

In keeping with revised tenure rules, which call for new teachers to make "contributions to the school and community", untenured teachers will be called upon to dig out the cars of all the administrators in their respective schools in order to assure a smooth opening.

Asked whether she believes any students will actually show up, Cathie Black responded, "I certainly hope so. I'm looking at this blizzard as a teachable moment. Ooo...I love using education jargon! Anyway, you can bet the janitors at Hearst Publishing will be at work today or on the unemployment line tomorrow. Our students need to learn the harsh realities of the corporate world we are training them for."

To her credit, Ms. Black vowed not to repeat the mistake of her predecessor, Joel Klein, who bungled school bus routes so badly that many young children were stranded in the snow. "Rather than wait for buses that may never come, parents may call their child's school and request a piggy back ride to school for their children. Untenured teachers will be more than happy to oblige, unless they want to remain untenured, if you get my drift."

Michael Mulgrew initially expressed outrage at using new teachers as pack horses, but backed down when told that Ms. Black offered to increase next year's Teacher's Choice allocation by two dollars to a whopping $112 so that piggy backing teachers can buy an extra pair of wooly socks. "In these fiscal times, socks are nothing to sneeze at. This is a major win for the union!" Mulgrew announced.



Anonymous said...

You are one witty writer who has a gift of writing those wonderful humorous sarcasms.

But, don't give Black any ideas because she's so dumb and clueless she'll read this blog as an opportunity to implement those absurdities.

Black must get up in the morning saying "Duhhh!"

When I need to get a good laugh, your blog brings a big smile on my face. Thank you!

james boutin said...

Ha - very funny.

Smellington G. Worthington III said...

Bravo to Cathie for her initiative! Long may she dictate!

Anonymous said...

Dear AC:

This is a wonderful post but I can't help questioning why you did not discuss yesterday's new conference with Klein and Black. I missed the actually press conference because I was preparing teachable moment lesson plans for today's back to school classes but by all means read the wire I received yesterday. And by the way: I turned off all of the heat in my classroom today in order to help students make meaningful self to world connections with the frigid air outside.

Here is the wire I received yesterday:

Klein and Black to have press conference today...

They claim the computer estimates of snow fall data for Brooklyn is eleven inches...

Real feet on the ground show at least two feet...

Klein and Black maintain value added averages are consistent and stats don't lie...

They blame teachers and UFT for the media's meteorological confusion...

UFT President, Mulgrew, is pleased that Klein and Black have invited him to the table in order to discuss the snow data...Said Mulgrew, "We are pleased that the DoE decided to speak to us about the data as it affects 1.1 million schoolchildren. We look forward to more collaborative meetings in the near future."

For more on the press conference and Mulgrew's response, please watch: Wake-Up America on Ch. 4 tomorrow morning at 4am when everyone in NYC is sleeping.

Enjoy the snow,
John Powers

ASTRAKA said...

You .so n' so... You did it again!

Schoolgal said...

And if this had happened after the holiday, this story would be so true.

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