Thursday, March 17, 2011

Mr. Talk Shoots for the Big Time

I don't know if you've heard, but GothamSchools is hiring! This is huge news for a small time blogger like me--my chance to make the big time! I hope you, my faithful readers, won't mind if I audition right here?

I know the three of you are skeptical. I can hear you thinking: "Mr. Talk writing for Gotham? Why, he's pro-union, anti-Unity, and borderline socialist!" Never fear. I'm willing to be employed by a hedge fund manager for a price, which is one of the main qualifications for this gig.

Let's start with my version of the Remainders, in which GS does the daily roundup of news.


  • A new study says that teachers suck. (WSJ)
  • No, really. (Post)
  • An education expert from TFA with nearly three weeks of teaching experience speculates that value-added is the way to go. (The Illinois Right Leaning Testicle)
  • Tenure or global warming: Which will cause civilization to collapse quicker? (The Obvious Intelligencer)
  • A teacher somewhere in the known world made inappropriate remarks to a student. (World Weekly News)
  • We mean teachers really suck! (Post)
  • Mayor Bloomberg, Bill Gates, Eli Broad, and Whitney Tilson announced a new initiative to ensure that every child knows that they are really, really rich. (Forbes)
  • Eva Moskowitz defended her decision to take over a public school at gunpoint and convert it to a charter by saying it's "for the children!" (Jejune Journal)
  • Rupert Murdock stated that "heads will roll" after it was discovered that today's edition of the Post contained only two editorials blasting LIFO. (Post)
  • We mean they bite the big one! (DN)

Of course, there's more to GS than aggregating news. There's also the community section, and I'm sure candidates for staff writer will be expected to contribute to that, as well. For my audition piece, I decided I could follow no wiser course than to emulate my hero and award winning blogger, Ruben Brosbe.


Blame It All on Me
By Mr. Talk

I got my teacher data report today, and boy, was I disappointed! For all the good I did, they may as well have put a tree stump at my desk! Until today, I assumed that all teacher data reports must contain positive integers. Was I ever wrong!

I wanted to reflect on my abject failure, so I added an extra thirty minutes to my self-flagellation routine this morning in hopes of finding an answer, but to no avail. So I went to visit my assistant principal to see if she had any insights. She said I was an abhorrent worm and a stain on the face of humanity, and of course I agreed. But wasn't there more to it than that? I must be doing something wrong!

I analyzed my workday and got a real surprise. It turns out that I am not using my time to best advantage. For example, I usually go pee twice a day during school hours. That's a full four minutes that I am not spending with my deserving children! I knew I needed to pee faster, and I discovered that if I scrunched up my face and visualized senior teachers floating in the urinal, I could cut 45 seconds off my time. Still, it wasn't enough, so I self-inserted a catheter and attached the other end to an empty hot water bottle that I duct taped to my leg.

Some of my colleagues tell me not to be so hard on myself. They point to the troubled home lives of some of my students, such as the boy who set my trousers on fire last week. But those are just excuses. If I hadn't been wearing flammable pants, it would never have happened! Please leave encouraging comments below that fully express your pity for me as I confront my ineptitude. In the meantime, I will be working tirelessly to get you fired.

So, that's my audition. Philissa Cramer, I'm waiting on your call!



Anonymous said...

This was hysterical. You're brilliant.

NYC Educator said...

Good luck, Mr. Talk. I look forward to your columns at Gotham!

Anonymous said...

OMG, I couldn't stop laughing about the "self-inserted" catheter part. It's too funny!

GS has to hire you. At least, the bloggers will laugh at your constant parody written about the DoE instead of spitting up blood from anger because of the bashing.

You got shtick!

ASTRAKA said...

I actually thought that I was reading GS postings! I thought "Blame it ALL on Me" was written by one of the star contributors at GS.

Mr. Talk, please, "stop playing";)

Pissedoffteacher said...

You are the best! I say skip Gotham and go right to the NY Times.

Ms. George said...

You forgot the link to
"Teacher found having inappropriate sex with underage student in _______." from the Global Newswire Network...

Brilliant as ever!