Thursday, December 15, 2011
I need to inform you that my darling angel child, Joe Thrope, will not be attending school next week because we are going to Disney World as a reward for Joe achieving a 55 average and no further arrests. Please send me any homeworks you plan to assign next week and over the holidays so that Joe can ignore them as he always does.
Ms. Anne Thrope
Dear Ms. Thrope.
I hardly know what to say. You've made me a very happy man. Certainly I shall miss your darling angel child, much as I miss the boil on my ass that was lanced last week. I have attached all the assignments that Joe will miss in a single file, so that you may delete it more efficiently.
Also, I feel it is my duty to inform you that Chancellor Walcott has alerted all teachers that accepting gifts of more than $5 may be construed as a conflict of interest. Considering that your child's absence over the next 6 days might legitimately be viewed as priceless, I am forced to classify these absences not as a gift, but a Christmas miracle.